If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.