Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.