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McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.