Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday