Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this