captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.