Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on