“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
This meal prepping shit easy
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.