Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Love this one 😂🧟
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”