Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Dead sexy!!
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
fixed it
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!