[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”