When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.