When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home