1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
You Might Also Like
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.