This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?