Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
You Might Also Like
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.