I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh