Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
You Might Also Like
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then