Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].