I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.