everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You Might Also Like
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.