How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?