You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Every work meeting this week
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Yes, but it was never about money
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done