You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg