I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.