[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
bias laundering edition
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.