Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.