Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
@funTweeters
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.