*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
#winning