I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
You Might Also Like
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
tis the season
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?