Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*bites zombie*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family