Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.