everyone has that one prude friend
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*