Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
#polloftheday
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!