I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
This will never not be funny 😭
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
seems fine
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.