If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken