Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen