I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.