said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
You Might Also Like
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!