As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?