i think my razor is having a panic attack
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT