them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“HELP WITH CAT”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.