Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?