finally
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Cats (2019)
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
uncle dave has been through hell
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer