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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
X-tra spooky blend
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.