Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Did I do this right
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes