can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.