14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.