Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
⚠️ Important Reminder:
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.