If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.